Ode To The Id

Dear Friend,

Yes you, who have, often been absent. You, who has wandered off at the first possible sign of trouble. You, who I desire despite your repeated betrayals.

I was happiest with you and the saddest without. With you the vibrance so often witnessed has degenerated into a cacophony that everybody doubts.

I have missed your calming presence and your steadying influence. Confused and hungry I have been parched alas too long. I smudged the distinction between patience and abomination.

My steps, so unyielding when with you, have turned upon themselves and stayed immobile for so long. Unhurried and staid, I have lost the desire to get anywhere.

For I am nothing without you, a coaxed human being without the spirit to live. You have taken the best years of my life with you. For only when you were around did I live at all.

I hope you are back this time. I glimpsed you awhile and I am hoping you will stay. For with you around, I can take off from the ground, knowing you will be there to gather me when I go into free fall.

Mouthful of cavities
Your souls a bowl of jokes
And everyday you remind me
How I'm desperately in need

See, I got a lot of fiends around
And they're peaking through nothing new
They see you
They see everything you do

See everything on the inside, out

Oh, please give me a little more
And I'll push away those baby blues
Cause one of these days this will die
So will me and so will you

I write a letter to a friend of mine
I tell him how much I used to love watch him smile

See I haven't seen him smile in a little while

Haven't seen him smile in a little while

But, I know you're laughing from the inside out
Laughin' from the inside out
I know you're laughing from the inside out
Laughing from the inside
From the inside
From the inside
From the inside
From the inside out

Blind Melon
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WMY-n9MF6o

Today We Shall Eat

A surprise day off (elections in Haryana).

Even the gym is closed.
Endless sermons from the Professor (my mom).
Mr. New Guy raising hairy questions (he talks a lot anyways, so day off had nothing to do with it)
Wrong time of the month almost here.
And
An epiphany

Yeah, quite a lot to take on what should have been a really peaceful laid back holiday.
More on that later. I am sure the 2.2 readers that I have managed to collect are dying to hear about the epiphany. I will present it in the following format:

O lord grant me the eternal right to eat what I want
To eat what I want
And still be able to wear what I want

Grant me today the eternal happiness
That only comes with essential fatty(ness)
Let me partake of thy largesse
Let me o Lord Let me

O lord hear this today
On a holiday
Please let me eat
Without regret, disgust or fear!

So I cook myself 2 packs of instant noodles, pack on a few sachets of tomato soup and round that off with some excellent chocolate cookies! Switch on the TV for the first time in days to find “The Unit” being shown by Star World. Hmm, life has suddenly taken on a new hue. Almost.

"when the devil wants you to do something, he doesn't lie at all. He tells you the exact, literal truth. And he lets you find your own way to hell"

Daivd Easterman in Sandman

It was one of those jolly, peaceful mornings that make a fellow wish he'd got a soul or something...

Me: So what is it?
Aforementioned Soul (A.S): How the hell do I know?
Me : But thats your job
AS: Ah, but I dont exist, remember?
Me: Cmon, you know what I mean, its too soon!
AS: Despite myself, have to smack you on the head! Just shuddup and enjoy it!
Me: Yeah well, but you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You know me, I always take time....
AS: Aaargh..("Her voice trailed away in a sigh that was like the wind blowing through the cracks in a broken heart")


With apologies to Sir PG.

Death of a Poet

We have to kill her
I know, but she refuses to die, I have tried everything.

What all have you tried?
Sprayed her brains over the back wall, she patiently gathered the tissue and brought it whole again. A gruesome result but living nevertheless. Ground her heart to a fine powder dust, she collected everything and kneaded it back to life. Mistrust, harsh words, broken promises and indifference I have tried it all. She still just keeps coming back for more.

Hmmm, what about banality? You tried that?
No. How do I do that?

Simple, she has illusions of grandeur, doesn’t she? Let’s dole out the ordinary. She won’t be able to withstand being treated like the lowest common denominator. Take all she is giving, acknowledge it, respect it, be grateful even and then pretend its not worth anything at all.

What's the novelty in that?

Novelty lies in the fact that she never thinks it could happen to her. She thinks she will die in pools of glory and blazes of color. Her end spawning a legion of thought in a million  minds. She will never guess that she can be left to waste away in obscurity. Just a number on a list, unclaimed and undistinguished. After all, what is so new about a man sleeping with a girl and forgetting to call?

Shelled and Chewed

He made a car, never put an engine in it, you see it was never meant to run. A car, a beautiful car even a perfect car but only, he knew it would never run. He auctioned the car, sold it as a dream and all the time he knew it was never meant to run.

She, a hopeful girl bought the car. Captivated by its beauty and intoxicated with its perfection. Blinded by the paint. Him explaining the merits of its superior engineering. The curves feeling like they were created for her. She put her life savings and bought the car.

Of course, it never ran. She still feels the curves with her fingers, still basks in the paint, and again and again looks at its pedigree. Passers by pity and ridicule her by turn. Bedraggled, homeless, coaxed into the sun, her burnt out visage still stares at the empty shell that ensures that the car was never meant to run.

Dont ever show you care

There is this you know how
if I could go back in time and wipe my life clean
I would
Just so I dont carry any baggage with you

But I am old and worn and sad and lost
the promise of a dream almost fulfilled and lost

If I could round out the edges that experience has honed
I would
Just so they dont dig into you when you hold me tight

But I have been around the park and on the bend
too many cracks and wounds that cant be mend

If I could look in the mirror and not see your face
I would
So I would not need to walk with my eyes closed

But I have seen more than I care to know
for i am just too much a reflection of you

If I could erase that night in the ruin
I would
So I would not want to close in on my reality and go to sleep within

But I have the memory of your touch and smell of the dust
And the smoke from your lips on mine has formed a crust

If it has to be this way dont ask me anymore how I am
My broken thoughts and pathetic rends
Wandering alone in soulless dens
reaching for your hand not finding it there
Running hard, not looking back, staring ruin, burning the brain

Just never ask me anymore how I am

You will never Know

I hope you dont see this today
for tomorrow it will only be a heap of fetid ashes
dampened by the rain
trod upon by stray dogs
lying in the corner of the street swept up by the garbage van

Lucky to be spared the details of how I came to this
Not hearing the last jumbled thoughts breathing their last,
Not see the slow crawl of the rot spread through my inert limbs

You will never see the dogs chewing out the remaining bones,
the plume of smoke rising from the heap
the morning birds feasting on the ants swarming on my remaining dregs

Be spared the agony
Of the searing heat of pain
That will still emanate from the remains

For tomorrow it will still only be a day
like any other in your life
after having cast me out into the night
Tomorrow you will still awake believing that you were right

THE THORN BIRD

There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain.... Or so says the legend.

Colleen McCullough

No other way...

Dear Heart,

Why did you choose this way? If you wanted to end it with me I would not have clung on. Why did you have to do it this way?

All I wanted, was to know how I hurt you the first time, so I do not commit the same mistake this time. I wanted to grasp what made us part in the first place so I could stop it from happening once again.

If justice is to be had by all why not by me? I mistrusted you and you were mad at me. When you did the same, did I not even merit an apology?

Your facts, so lethal, so final, never once did you question your conclusion. Never once did you give me a chance to defend myself. A sentence passed without a trial. Tied to a post and pelted with scorn, I cant even run and hide away from it all.

You dear heart were so precious to me, why did you choose this way to end it with me?

Torn shreds, Broken threads

When I spoke with you, I got the distinct sensation you were far away.
Our speeches lapsing into banality
Stench of dead thoughts assailing my breath
But I tried to revive our earlier clarity

I shouldered the conversation till I could find nothing else to say
the mockery of the past, in every moment of the present
unclean and dishonest,
I wish I had known that all feelings were now absent

I tried to invoke the magic of yesterday
electric intense passion fusing merging together
finding each other in shared sparks of ecstacy
All to no avail and insipid rather

I hung up on you, but the misery continued to stay
The dart of distrust had found its mark
slowly spreading its poison
and terror throughout the dark

I told you I loved you and you had nothing to say
I felt unclean, mucky and sorrow furrowed my brow
I sat in a hush, not knowing how to react
I wish I had known then what I know now.

Bleached Bones, Tired Thoughts

I am distorted from reality right now
Questioning
Take it forward or take a bow?

What we have
What we had
Are they just the bleached bones of a passion, now?

Words so throbbing with pain,
Thoughts so poignant
The wounds open, raw, infected
Can we turn them around, now?

Right now that you have me
Is it all that you dreamed it would be?

Right now; Right now;
When the fiber of your skin is so real
The feel of your lips is so near
The ridges on your nose so clear

Now, what is it that I fear?

Pauline

Pauline turned 35 today. Her family (mom, dad, husband, 2 kids, 1 golden retriever) did the duitiful cake, the practical present and a lot of whooping. Her co workers, ate the HR sponsored cake and gave her the HR sponsored present. her friends took her out shopping, slinky electric blue dress, drinks at the new lounge, dance at the underground club. Her lover came over and did some extra special tricks in bed as a present ( he mooches off her, does not give her stuff).


Sexy, replete, sated. Thats our Pauline.

She stays awake at night, prescribed pill does not work. Wondering if it is time to phase out the lover, hasnt had sex with the husband for so long he might suspect something. Maybe, start working towards the ambitious business plan she submitted the other day. Hmmm kids, what have they been upto lately. She just could not sleep. Yeah, definitely buy that new wine cooler the neighbours had.
Had been going on for a long time now. Insomnia, sleep deprivation, looking haggard and pale. Loss of appetite. She decided to go for a medical check up finally.

It was cancer, terminal stage, somewhere in the lung. Chemo will help for some time, but not long.

Change facebook profile, post pictures of bald head, chemo room. Outpouring of emotion. Offers of support. Tears, promises, drama, bathos.

She is sleeping. Soundly. She finally has something to live for.

On the Importance of Being Earnest:)

You know how this is
I could say and I would
Follow you till the ends of the earth
I will say you are what keeps this breath going in my body
blood flowing in my veins
Corrollary, you keep me alive.
I say all this and more

If I cast my eyes around and find you walking few steps behind me
I say all this and more

You are shrouded in a mist, up straight ahead its clear and crisp
I am the limit of my senses
and I want to live
Up ahead, is crisp and clear and thats where I will be
I say all this and more
to whoever then I can see

( apologies to Oscar wilde, Pablo neruda , everybody else)